For the last 5 years or so, I have been writing you my “Letter of the Heart” every month (except it hasn’t been every month, but it was supposed to be). I have received so much love and positive responses from you. So you might be wondering, “Why is this the last “Letter of the Heart”? Well, for starters, some of you (Amelia Shapiro) don’t like the name “Letter of the Heart” because it’s not “proper english”. Quick shout out to my Mom, a retired English teacher who I actually had for sophomore English, who is a regular reader of the LOH, never once has pointed out the improperness of the name. I’ve always been aware of the improperness of the name. The truth is, I will still be sending you my letters, but they will now be called “Below the Waterline”.
Why Below the Waterline? Well, it started when I was volunteering for the adolescent coaching program “Challenge Day”. They brought 100 high school students and about 30 adult volunteers from the community to help reduce oppression, bullying, and overall anxiety in schools. Led by a few very skilled Challenge Day team members, they took this group of unskilled adults and children through a journey of self-exploration and understanding of ourselves and others. Through a series of games and exercises, these unknowing standoffish kids (and some adults) slowly began to soften their exterior demeanor. Eventually, this room filled with strangers of different cliques in the school, and parents of all walks of life, were going below the waterline.
Ok, is it too late to share the metaphor that I learned there? Above the waterline is like the iceberg that only shows the world 10% above the surface. It’s beautiful and majestic. It has flaws and is vulnerable but it’s only 10% of the whole iceberg. To judge an iceberg by the part you can see would be a huge mistake because you don’t know what you don’t know about the rest of the iceberg. The iceberg has to take responsibility for only showing you 10%.
See, when we all showed up there (even me), we did not know what to expect. So we were all wearing our “above the waterline” presence. This is the presence that we want you to see. The one we think is most likely to be flattering and put us in the best light. The best light for all of us might be different; for a kid, it might be how to look as tough as possible? For a parent, it might be “how do I look like the best mom or dad to the other moms and dads?” You get the point. This of course, is a normal thing to do. You don’t have to look any further than social media to see people’s “above the waterline” selves. But what about below the waterline?
Back to challenge day - So there we are broken into small groups, 1 or 2 adults for every 6 or 7 kids. Sharing some of our deepest disappointments and challenges. For some of the kids it was the death of a family member, drug addiction, eating disorders, not enough food in the house, abuse, and bullying. It was all there, and it was all heartbreaking. Speaking for myself, but I wasn’t alone, I didn’t feel sorry for them as much as I felt closer to them. For being willing to share their struggle. This courage to be vulnerable inspired others to be vulnerable as well. Tears were shed and it was quite moving.
I was lucky enough to participate in a few Challenge Days. Each time the experience was repeated. It never got old, and I cried every time.
What I relearned that day was the more we can allow ourselves to be seen below the waterline, the more authentic our relationships are. The more we can go below the waterline, the more helpful we can be to others. What I learned in AA many years before also works in the real world, show up with your whole self and see how your experience and struggles may be able to help others.
So, my “Below the Waterline” letter is intended for you to see more of me than the real estate part. And if you are struggling and want to have a cup of coffee and really go below the waterline, I will meet you there.
Nicole
Here are a few things that I keep below the waterline:
I get totally anxious about what people are thinking about me
I make up stories about people not liking me for various reasons
I’m afraid I’m not parenting my children in a way that will lead
them to be successful adults
I needed to stop drinking alcohol and using drugs, which I did,
but there is some embarrassment around that
I was a smoker but I still want to smoke all the time!
I’m afraid I will not live up to my potential
