Lately I've been obsessed with beliefs and habits.
I can spot my obvious bad habits; overeating, skipping exercise, interrupting people. But I've discovered something more insidious: the habits controlled by my beliefs. These are sneaky. Like a fish swimming in water, I don't even know I'm in them because I'm always in them. These belief-driven habits have been nearly invisible to me.
Many of you know I've spent the last 7 years exploring personal development. The more I look, the more I realize how much room I have to grow emotionally. I'm still discovering truths about myself I cannot unsee. The latest: my belief-driven habits are so intertwined in my life that I have to be on constant lookout, especially in emotionally charged situations. I've always said (well since 1990 haha) that I'm at my worst when I think I'm right about something. I'm starting to understand why, and more importantly, I'm starting to shift it.
Here's an example: I haven't done well with criticism. I withdraw, defend, or blame. The belief behind that, (in the moment)? "I'm not enough" or maybe "I'm unlovable." Sitting here right now, I can tell you I feel like I am enough and I'm totally lovable. Yet when criticism comes, that old belief can still take over. I become emotionally disconnected from the conversation. I'm sure I'm right and they're wrong. And in that moment, I lose the connection I actually want.
I've been working on this, and I'm seeing it differently now. When I can catch myself and stay present instead of defensive, something shifts. The conversation stays open. The connection stays alive.
Then there's how I've handled other people's beliefs—the ones that don't line up with mine. I used to be genuinely baffled when people saw things differently than I do. My beliefs felt so obviously correct to me. When someone hinted at a different belief, I'd go into deer-in-headlights mode, attaching all kinds of assumptions to them based on little or no actual evidence.
What I'd been missing: curiosity.
I came to my beliefs honestly, through my experiences, my childhood, the meaning I made of things that happened. If that's true for me, I suspect it's true for everyone else too. If I had someone else's exact experiences, I'd probably hold their beliefs.
Here's what else I've realized: I spent years trying to change people's minds. Through my “logic”, or sarcasm (one of my favorite ineffective, lazy things to do), and sometimes even through debate. None of it works. It never has. All it does is push people further away and damage the connection between us.
What I've been practicing instead is understanding. I want to know why someone thinks the way they do. I want to look through their eyes. When I do this, and I'm getting better at it, I can get to a place where I think, "If I had that experience or believed that or thought those things, I might react like that too." And something remarkable happens: I feel connected to them again.
Understanding people and where they're coming from is the gateway to connection. I've experienced this enough now to know it's real. When I approach someone with curiosity instead of certainty, the entire dynamic changes. I can feel it in my body. I can see it in their faces.
So I'm taking responsibility for what I can change. Not other people's beliefs. Not the world. Just how I show up. I'm practicing curiosity instead of certainty. I'm choosing to understand instead of convince.
I’ve come a long way and I have a long way to go. I still catch myself being defensive or dismissive. But I've experienced the difference, in myself and in my relationships with others. When I choose connection over being right, everything feels different. Better. More alive.
That's the shift I'm making. That's what I'm committed to.
